


Did you know that Angels can sense longing? (I can't afford to lose you.)

by MissieFishie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Dream Sex, Drunk Sex, Happy Ending, Hurt, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Pining, They're okay in the end I swear, self-deprication, sex but not really, they love eachother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 21:37:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14411046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissieFishie/pseuds/MissieFishie
Summary: This was supposed to be a super quick three-paragraph one shot that got a little out of hand...AKA Castiel knows Dean wants him but Dean is too chicken-shit to admit it (He has his reasons of course). When Castiel finds Dean buried in another man's mouth moaning out his angel's name shit goes down.  It gets bad and then it gets good.





	Did you know that Angels can sense longing? (I can't afford to lose you.)

Dean’s breath hitched as Castiel drew closer, slowly moving them back until Dean felt the cool wall press against his back.

 

“Cas, man what are-“

 

Castiel simply squinted his eyes and tilted his head slightly, his lips pursed as he crowded Dean further against the wall, inches away but not touching.

 

“Cas,” Dean tried again, “personal space, we’ve talked about this.” His voice was stern but Castiel could feel the wavelengths of Dean’s soul as they coursed unseen through the air around them, the desire that flooded within them. Dean shifted his weight to his other foot and tried to focus on remembering to breathe. It was always difficult when Castiel was this close, that’s why boundaries had been set in the first place. For the most part, they worked but there were still times when the angel would get too close. In those moments Dean had to force himself to hold back, to remind Castiel about the rules even if all he wanted to do was grab him by that stupid trench coat and find out what his mouth tasted like. 

 

Castiel was still staring at Dean and his eyebrow quirked when the hunters face began to flush a gentle pink, starting from the base of his neck and slowly rising to the tips of his ears. Dean coughed pointedly in an attempt to get Castiel to back off but all he succeeded in doing was to bring Castiel’s attention to his mouth. Dean’s heart was racing and Castiel basked in the warmth of Dean’s soul that radiated around them.

 

“Dean,” Castiel’s voice was soft and low as he leaned in closer maneuvering his stance so that his lips were a hairs width from Dean’s ear, “I’m the one who pieced together your soul when I brought you back from hell, I’m the one who made sure every freckle on your face was in the right place, I have heard your prayers and seen your dreams, I chose you over heaven the moment I met you and I will keep choosing you no matter what the universe throws our way. Why are you so adamant about ‘personal space’?”

 

Dean had stopped moving, stopped breathing even and Castiel moved again until they were face to face, Dean’s eyes were wide and his mouth slightly parted. Castiel noted with worry that Dean’s face had gone a few shades too pale and he pressed a hand to Dean’s cheek to assess the man's vitals only to pull it back quickly when Dean jumped at the contact. 

 

“I-I know Cas,” Dean’s voice wavered for a moment and then Castiel watched as the hunters face steeled over, his jaw set and his eyes cold. Dean took a calming breath before continuing, “I am forever grateful Cas, I really am. But personal space is important because...”  _because I’m madly in love with you but you’re an angel and I’m a human and it can never work so I can’t afford to let my guard down or get my hopes up. I can’t afford to lose you._  Dean quickly shoved those thoughts back into the small corner of his mind where they lived and took another steadying breath. “Because they just are okay.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, refusing to meet Castiel’s invasive gaze. 

 

Castiel said nothing, knowing that if he pushed for Dean to explain further it would only cause Dean to become more distant. Instead, Castiel brought his hand back to Dean’s face, he didn’t touch Dean’s face this time but instead let he let his hand hover there, not touching but close enough that the smallest movement from either of them towards the other would create direct contact. Contact that Dean was currently secretly longing for, Castiel could feel it in the air and in his own grace. 

 

“Did you know,” the angel started moving his hand to gently cup Dean’s jaw, “that angels can sense longing?” His thumb moved carefully against Dean’s skin and the hunter’s eyes fell closed as he shivered beneath the touch. Castiel took the final step, fully invading Dean’s personal space, their bodies now pressed against each other, Castiel’s thumb still lightly stroking Dean’s cheek. 

 

“I can’t,” it was hardly more than a whisper, “Cas I- I just can’t. I’m sorry.” With that Dean pushed Castiel away and hurried out of the room without a backward glance. Castiel stood alone silently evaluating his options. It had been years now that he and Dean had been going around in circles and while he had tried to just wait it out and let Dean start things when he was ready, the constant danger and fear of losing him due to their jobs was starting to make Castiel anxious. He blamed it on his time as a human. 

 

Dean stood in the kitchen, forcing himself to take slow even breaths, he felt like crying. He felt like screaming and punching and worst of all he felt like curling up with his head buried in the crook of Castiel’s neck, he longed to wrap his arms around the angels waist and hold him close, he longed to feel Castiel’s arms around him, wondered what it would be like to lose himself in the safety that was Castiel. He could feel a silent sob working its way from his chest to his throat and he quickly grabbed his jacket and keys, not stopping until he was behind the wheel of the Impala. He sent a quick text to Sam saying he was going out for the night and that he would be home in the morning. Then he drove, tears falling silently down his face with every thought of Castiel and the love they could never have.

 

Dean drove until his stomach let out a growl in protest and only then did he pull into the nearest bar, ordering a burger and a beer, better make that three, and a shot of whiskey, or two. The bartender shot him a sympathetic look when she took his order and Dean tried not to notice that her eyes were a rather attractive shade of blue but not quite right. He shook his head, trying to clear the image of Castiel from it and chugged the first beer within a minute of its arrival. Three hours later found Dean leaning back heavily on the musty bathroom counter, the cold press of the mirror on the back of his skull contrasted nicely with the wet heat of the mouth belonging to the dark haired man currently sucking him off. Dean carded his fingers in the man's hair, not paying attention to his face and moaned as the stranger took all of him down over and over, the head of Dean’s dick hitting the back of his throat as the man's nose became buried in the soft curls at its base. 

“C-Cas,” it was nothing more than a whisper escaping from drunken lips, the stranger didn’t even hear it, the slick sounds coming from his mouth blocking out the plea and Dean couldn’t stop himself, the scene changed and suddenly when he looked down, it was Castiel on his knees in front of Dean, sucking eagerly around his cock, lust filled electric blue eyes looking up at him under hooded lids. Dean tightened his hands in Castiel’s hair and pulled gently causing the angel to hum in approval, an overwhelming vibration encompassed Dean’s dick as he watched it disappear once more into Castiel’s mouth, sliding down his throat. Dean all but screamed when he felt the walls of Castiel’s throat ripple around him, he threw his head back, slamming it against the mirror with a sharp crack and started thrusting eagerly in time with the bobs of Castiel’s head. 

“S-shit, fuck, a-ah Cas,” the words were louder this time but the stranger paid them no attention, picking up the speed and bringing a hand up to play with Dean’s balls. “Fuck baby, so good, fuck, Cas, don’t stop!” Dean was quickly reaching his peak and couldn’t stop Castiel’s name from falling from his lips on repeat. The heat in his gut spread and coursed through his veins as the stranger sped up his pace, pulling Dean closer to the edge. 

The soft flutter of wings went unnoticed by both men and Dean’s eyes flew open when he felt the warm mouth disappear, electricity crackled through the air as Castiel, the real Castiel crowded against Dean, his grace shone hotly in his eyes, anger contorted his usually passive features and Dean gasped when Castiel’s firm hand gripped the base of his dick. 

 

“Is this what you want Dean?” The angel growled Dean’s heart stuttered in fear and arousal at the being looming over him. “Drunken blow-jobs in a dirty bathroom from a stranger you pretend is me?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm and contempt. “You push me away,” Castiel tightened his grip on the base of Dean’s dick, eliciting a pitiful moan from the hunter, “just to run off and moan my name to another’s sloppy ministrations.” Dean shuddered as Castiel pressed closer, his lips pressed against the shell of Dean’s ear, Castiel’s breath was hot and Dean shook his head unable stop the moan that slipped from his lips when Castiel growled out a demand for an answer from him.

 

“Out loud, Dean.” The angel commanded, his fingers reaching down to roll the hunters balls, squeezing them gently. 

 

“N-no,” Dean choked out, “I don’t want a stranger.”

 

“Who do you want?” Castiel’s voice was low and dangerous and it sent another shudder down Dean’s spine.

 

“I-I, fuck, Cas,” Dean dropped his head onto Castiel’s shoulder, his hands coming up to grip onto Castiel’s shoulders, bunching the trench coat in his fists, the smell of Castiel invaded his nose and he inhaled deeply, head swimming with sex, booze and the unmistakable scent of Castiel, his angel, the man he was not-so-secretly-anymore-in-love with.

 

Castiel moved his free hand to draw absentminded patterns on Dean’s leg, just below his ass. Dean pressed himself closer to Castiel and breathed in deeply again. “Shit,” he groaned, unconsciously spreading his legs and jerking his hips forward silently pleading for Castiel to move.

 

“Dean,” Castiel snarled, “tell me who you want.”

 

“You, fuck Cas I want you,” Dean sobbed, his impending orgasm crashing just beneath the surface of his skin, “always wanted you, from-fuck- from the moment you stepped into that fucking barn I’ve wanted you.” If Dean had been of sounder mind he would have despised how needy he sounded, his voice wobbled and the words were muffled by Castiel’s neck.

 

Then Castiel was gone and Dean fell to the cold bathroom floor, reflexes slowed by the booze. When he looked up Castiel was standing on the other side of the bathroom, watching him closely, calculating. 

 

 

 _This is it,_ Dean thought bitterly,  _I told him and now he’s going to leave, he’s disgusted, why wouldn’t he be? I’m nothing compared to him. Who am I compared to an Angel of The Lord, the Leader of a Garrison, one of heavens bravest warriors and one of the universes kindest souls?_  Dean felt hot tears slide down his cheeks, the pain of Castiel’s rejection causing his erection to whither and the heat in his abdomen to turn heavy. He felt the bile rise in his throat but couldn’t move, the stench of vomit filled the room and Dean grimaced as he wiped his mouth with his sleeve. 

 

He could hear Castiel moving towards him but Dean couldn’t bring himself to look his friend in the eyes. He’d fucked up big time and he knew it. They couldn’t come back from this, this is exactly what Dean had been avoiding. He squeezed his eyes shut and turned his face away in shame when Castiel lightly pressed his hand to Dean’s cheek. The taste of vomit disappeared and Dean blinked as the haze over his mind cleared suddenly and swiftly. 

 

“Dean,” Castiel’s voice was soft but firm and when Dean finally brought himself to meet the angels gaze his heart sank further. Castiel showed no emotion, his face completely blank and passive. “It’s time to go home.” Dean let Castiel pick him up bridal style, the Winchester wrapped his arms around Castiel’s neck and buried his face there in shame. With a flutter of wings, they were safely in Dean’s bedroom and Castiel was laying him on his bed. Dean stared at the ceiling, bitterly fighting back tears while Castiel took off his shoes, followed by his socks and then Dean’s jacket. All of which were placed neatly on the chair beside his bed. Castiel conjured Dean’s pajamas out of thin air and set them down on Dean’s chest.

 

“Get some sleep.” It was a command, not a request and Dean knew it. Then Castiel was gone and Dean was alone. Tears blurred his vision and he felt like he was going to be sick again. Silent sobs wracked his body as he forced himself to peel off the rest of his clothes, the smell of cigarettes, booze, and sex lingered and Dean grabbed the robe off the back of his door and threw it on before padding softly down the hallway. 

 

When he reached the shower he turned the water as hot as he could manage and threw his robe across the sink. The scalding spray of the water turned his skin red and Dean sank down against the cold tile of the shower, he drew his knees to his chest and tilted his head forward gasping for breath as the sobs took over his body and sorrow consumed him.  He wasn’t sure how long he stayed there, the water in the bunker never losing its heat, but suddenly there was a hesitant knock on the bathroom door and Sam’s voice wafted under the crack.

 

“Dean? It’s me, Sam... you okay in there?”

 

Dean said nothing, hoping Sam would go away and leave him alone. The silence however only seemed to make Sam more worried.

 

“Dean?” He said again, the locked doorknob turned slightly accompanied by a louder knock. “Dean you don’t have to tell me what’s going on but please just let me know you’re okay in there.” 

 

“M’fine Sam, go away.”

 

Dean could hear Sam sigh, he could practically see his brother rolling his eyes but who was Sam to judge? What did he know? Dean rested his head back against the shower wall again and did his best to stay silent until he heard Sam walk away. He waited until he heard the faint click of Sam’s bedroom door close before he closed his eyes and let the sadness consume him, crying on the shower floor until he had no tears left. 

 

Dean trudged back to his bedroom, locking the door behind him and changing into his PJs before crawling into the comforts of his bed. Exhaustion flooded his body and Dean slipped into an uneasy sleep.

 

_Dean’s bedroom was dimly lit, the faint scent of the vanilla candle burning softly in the corner made the room warm and inviting. Dean’s eyes were closed and he pressed his face into the nape of the neck of the person lying beside him. He wrapped his arms around the figure's waist and breathed in honey and cinnamon and what reminded him of the air just before a summer thunderstorm. The warm body arched into the touch, pressing their back deeper against Dean’s chest, their foot latched around Dean’s, drawing his leg between theirs and humming contentedly when Dean snuggled closer. The hum was low and familiar, full of love and trust and Dean melted into the touch even more. His eyes still heavy with sleep he began to press soft kisses just below the other person's hairline, enjoying the way the soft short hair caressed his nose and cheeks as he poured all his love into every gentle press. The person hummed again and wiggled their hips slightly back, causing Dean to falter when their ass met his cock. He gently rutted forward, chasing the feeling and he was met with his lover rolling their hips back to meet him. Dean moaned into their neck and moved so that his swelling cock was nestled between their cheeks, separated only by the thin layers of fabric from their pajamas. The man, it had to be a man, in his arms moaned too and rolled his hips back again, harder this time. Dean’s hips moved faster with the mans and they soon had a steady pace, grinding sweetly together, safe in the warmth of the bed and each others arms. Dean felt the man's fingers wrap around his wrist and let his hand be guided down, under the elastic waistband of the other man's sleep clothes. When his fist wrapped around the man's dick he was pleased to find it hard and leaking at the tip. Dean bit down gently on the other man's neck, eyes still closed and listened as the mans breathing grew ragged._

_“Dean,” the voice was unmistakably Castiel’s and Dean’s heart swooned with joy. He bit Castiel’s neck again, following it with a kiss as he picked up speed with his wrist, his thrusts moving to match. Castiel moaned his name again and Dean breathed in. If anyone were to ask what his favorite smell was, this right here was it. The scent of Castiel, combined with warm vanilla and sex, it was his own aphrodisiac. Castiel stirred in his arms, grunting in irritation as he tried to slip his pants down without breaking their rhythm. Dean’s hands came to Castiel’s hips, guiding him to stop moving so they could both rid themselves of their fabric confines, kicking them off the bed. When their bodies met again Dean let out a low hiss and his hand grabbed Castiel’s waist again, this time guiding him back to their steady grind. Castiel whimpered when Dean’s cock slid between his bare cheeks, precum slickening the crevice. Dean returned his hand to Castiel’s waiting election, he slipped his thumb over the slit, gathering the creamy fluid leaking from it and bringing it down with swift motions. He tightened his fist around Castiel and pressed an encouraging kiss on the pulse point below the man's jaw when Castiel bucked into the touch. The head of Dean’s dick caught on the puckered edge of Castiel’s hole and they both gasped. Castiel moaned as his hips moved to chase the sensation. When it happened again Castiel’s hands flew back to Dean’s hips and held him still while he rocked his ass back, lining Dean’s cock up best he could with his hole before he was grinding back. Dean groaned, it was almost too much. “Cas,” he panted, “angel, you aren’t prepared... we have to... fuck-“ Dean lost the ability to speak, his brain completely short-circuiting as he felt the head of his dick press past the ring of muscles and enter Castiel. He stilled Castiel’s hips, willing him to slow down, not wanting to cause him any pain but Castiel simply growled and pried Dean’s hands away before rutting back and completely sheathing Dean in one fluid motion. Dean cursed and thrust deeply into the tight wet heat of Castiel’s body. They moved in tandem, Dean’s hand working over Castiel’s erection in time with his thrusts, aiming for that sweet spot nestled in the warmth. When he found it, it drew the most beautiful gasp from the angel and Dean opened his eyes, wanting to watch Castiel come undone._

_“Dean,” Cas moaned out, his face lax with pleasure. Dean cupped Castiel’s jaw with the hand not bringing Castiel closer to the edge and tilted his face towards him. Their lips met and Dean could feel the energy in his veins. He groaned into Castiel’s mouth and Castiel slipped his tongue alongside Dean’s. Gently caressing and exploring the Winchester’s mouth as their bodies moved together. Then the smell changed. Instead of honey and cinnamon and thunderstorms, booze and cigarettes invaded his nostrils. The body he was clinging to was noticeably smaller and the moans coming from Castiel were all wrong. Dean pulled back, hips still thrusting and looked down at the nameless man from the bar who was now curled up in his bed. Dean’s rhythm faltered but the man didn’t seem to care, instead, he simply took the lead grinding back with abandon, moving his hips until only the tip of Dean’s erection was in him before slamming his hips back, drawing Dean all the way back into him. Dean let out a choked gasp, this was wrong. The man did it again and Dean felt dizzy. Where did Castiel go? Why wasn’t he here? Who was this stranger and why wasn’t Dean stopping him? The man from the bar kept up the pace, unsheathing Dean almost completely before slamming back as hard as he could. Dean felt the familiar heat coil in his gut, he didn’t want this. Not with this person. He tried to call out but the pace the stranger had set made him tongue-tied. He tried screaming but either the stranger didn’t hear it or he simply didn’t care. His fingers wrapped like vices around Dean’s wrists, his legs pinning Dean’s in place as he fucked himself on Dean’s cock. Dean looked around the room and to his utter dismay saw Castiel standing against the wall. His blue eyes now a cold stormy grey. “Is this what you want, Dean?” Castiel mocked, his voice dripping with malice and disgust. “You always were a whore.” Castiel laughed, it was sharp and tight and Dean hated it. “Look at how far the righteous man has come,” the angel sneered above the slick slaps that filled the room with each thrust. “How could I ever want something as dirty and used as you? Look at you, Dean. Pining hopelessly over an angel with your cock buried in a stranger.” Castiel’s eyes flashed and Dean drew back on himself. “I bet you don’t even know his name,” Castiel growled, “then again, you were just using him because he looks like me so why would his name matter? He isn’t who you want, but he’s the best you’re ever going to get.”_

 

“Dean-Dean wake up its a dream, you’re having a bad dream.” Dean woke with a start, flying to the side away from the all too familiar voice. He shrieked as he lost his balance and began to topple off the side of the bed. Strong arms wrapped around him and pulled him back to safety. When Dean looked up he saw Castiel’s worried face watching him cautiously. Dean felt something break inside of him and then he was sobbing again. He hated it but he couldn’t stop, dream Castiel was right and real Castiel had wanted nothing to do with him once he had been returned home. He had left without a word, made Dean confess his deepest secret and then pulled away from him completely. 

 

Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders and pulled him close but the elder Winchester fought back and pushed Castiel away. “Don’t touch me!” He shouted. Oh, how he hated the look of hurt and confusion that settled on Castiel’s face but he couldn’t have Castiel be nice to him and hold him just to leave him again.

 

“Dean-“

 

“Just leave me alone Cas. I get it okay, I’m not...” Dean sucked in a shuddering breath, “I’m not what you want, so just go.”

 

The hurt and confusion were quickly replaced with anger. “Where did you get the idea that I don’t want you, Dean?”

 

Dean couldn’t meet Castiel’s gaze. “You left,” he spat, “you made me confess and then you just left. In the bathroom you went to the other side of the room and as soon as you knew I was safe at home you just left without a word. If that’s not blatant rejection I don’t know what is.” Dean wished he didn’t sound so hopeless and broken but there wasn’t anything he could do about it so he curled back upon himself and fixed a bitter glare on the door. He jumped slightly when Castiel brought his had to Dean’s jaw and fought back for a moment before giving in and letting Castiel guide his face to look at him.

 

“I didn’t reject you, Dean.”

 

“You left.”

 

Castiel sighed and Dean noticed for the first time how tired the angel looked. “Yes,” he nodded slowly, “I did leave, I needed to clear my head. I-when you- when I felt your longing for me it was like nothing I’d ever experienced, I got hopeful that you wanted me the way I want you and so I made a rash decision that led me to that bathroom. When I saw you with that man, calling out my name, I didn’t know how to process it. I immediately went to anger, I felt betrayed. You’ve slept with others before I know that but never had you used my name. It was me you called for but it wasn’t me you seemed to want. At that moment I needed you, to be honest with me, and with yourself,” Castiel’s brow furrowed and his lips pinched together as he tilted his head to the side slightly, “in hindsight I handled the situation very poorly. I should have never left you by yourself after that. I should have stayed with you and told you that I want you too. But at the time all I could see was blind anger and I needed space to unfurl my wings and regather myself.” Castiel returned his gaze to Dean’s and stroked his thumb gently against Dean’s lips. “Don’t think even for a moment that I don’t want you, Dean. I’ve wanted you from the moment I saw you in hell and every day after that I’ve grown to want you even more. What I said yesterday, I wasn’t lying. I chose you, above all else and I will keep choosing you until the very end, no matter what the universe tries to do to keep us apart, it hasn’t worked yet and I’m not going to let it ever succeed.” 

 

Dean felt like his heart had somehow simultaneously stopped and picked up the pace ten times faster. He didn’t think before he moved, he grabbed the lapels of Castiel’s trench coat and pulled him forward until their lips met and when he licked the seam of Castiel’s lips begging for entrance he let out a long sigh of relief as Castiel opened his mouth willingly and their tongues met and danced together in each other’s embrace. Castiel shifted closer, moving fully on the bed as he pressed Dean down on his back, their lips never disconnecting. Dean carded his fingers through Castiel’s hair which pulled out a happy groan from the angel and everything felt right. His blood hummed in his veins and the air around them came to life as they gave in to what they had both been desperately yearning for since the day they met. 

 

“Cas?”

 

“Dean.”

 

“Stay with me tonight?”

 

Castiel wrapped Dean up in his arms and pressed a kiss to Dean's temple, “Every night.”


End file.
